According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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