her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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