FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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