The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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