a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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