I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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