dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
