I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
