Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
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