There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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