Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
