some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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