I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
