He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
