my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
