You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
