New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
