It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
