More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
