Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
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