So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
