so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
