Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
