Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
