Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
