I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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