The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
