I think I won the penis lottery.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Blood and glitter go together right?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Randomize
