She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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