Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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