Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
