no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
being pregnant is like rehab
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
