just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
