I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
