She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
