new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
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