dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
