My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Small penises have feelings too.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
