You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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