So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
