she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
