i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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