I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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