dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
This is the high leading the old right now
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize
