the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
