i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
