It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I checked into jail on foursquare
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
