remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
