I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I faked an abortion last night.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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