Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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