and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
